The Absurdist:  Earth Week

This past week was Earth Week.  As I saw signs encouraging green energy, stores having special sales on green household items, and television specials about how much damage we do to the Earth, I began wondering what I could do to play my part.  I thought and thought and though, and it hit me like a bolt of lightning.  I knew what I had to do.  I needed to buy a car!

I drove my sensible SUV to the car dealership and the first thing I noticed was a big blue sign with green letters, which said “Earth Week Sale.”  Apparently, I picked the right week to buy a car.  I looked around for a little while, but it wasn’t long before a salesman approached me.  He seemed to have a satisfied look when I told him that due to Earth Week, I decided I needed to make a change to do my part to take care of the Earth.   

“Perhaps, then, you’d be interested in a hybrid,” the man told me.  “We’re having a great sale to celebrate Earth Week, and that’s what I would recommend to save the planet.”

“I’m not interested in saving the planet,” I told the salesman.  “I’m interested in taking care of the Earth.  Give me your biggest, gas guzzling truck you have.”

Confused, the man shuffles away, returning about 5 minutes later with a big, lifted truck with mud tires and an exhaust which I could stick my head it.  Thinking to myself, “that’s more like it,” we walked inside to do the paperwork.  I left about an hour later, feeling good about my purchase, knowing that what I was doing was right for the planet.

As I drove along, I began wondering if what I was doing was enough.  I decided that “no, it is not enough!”  Perhaps, I should cancel my garbage service.  Lots of people in my neighborhood take their own trash, or even recycle.  Why shouldn’t I do my part to help the Earth along?  I drove to the utility district and was met at the front desk by an elderly lady.  She asked how she could help me.  I told her that due to Earth Week, I have decided to cancel my garbage service.  

The woman, glowing, looked at me and replied “that’s very respectable!  We actually offer a recycling service.  It’s usually an extra charge monthly, but we are waving that fee for one year for everybody who signs up for the service for Earth Week."

“I’m sorry,” I replied, “but I’m not interested in recycling.  I’m interested in taking care of the Earth.  Just cancel my garbage service, please.”

The woman, looking just as confused as the salesman, but slightly flustered, fulfilled my request and bid me a good day.  I drove off, again knowing that I was doing the right thing by taking care of the Earth.  I was beginning to feel pretty good about myself, at this point.

On the way home, I decided I was going to stop for a pack of smokes.  Funny, I know, since I don’t smoke.  However, this week, I was making some changes!  After all, it’s Earth Week, and I need every little bit I can to help take care of the Earth.  There was only one thing left for me to do.  I needed to share my philosophy with other like-minded individuals.  I was going to go and speak at the Earth Week celebration at the park.

I was greeted at the park by lots of people wearing green t-shirts and hemp sandals.  It was a beautiful day out and everybody was doing their part to encourage recycling, fuel efficiency, and green energy.  I was patted on the back by all of the greeters, telling me I was doing the right thing taking care of the Earth.  I knew, I didn’t need their encouragement to know I was doing what was right.  I looked around, though, to see all of the signs encouraging recycling, wind energy, and fluorescent light bulbs, and I thought to myself “they’ve got it all wrong!”  I had to speak to the people before more time was wasted on this malarkey!

As I took the stage of the open mic, where people had been taking turns sharing how and why they think the Earth should be saved, or testifying to the changes they’ve made for the good of the planet, I could only scoff.  They didn’t know.  I do!  I approached the mic and took my turn to speak.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” I told the audience, “today I made several changes in my life.”  The audience roared!  “I bought a new car!”  Again, the crowd lit up in applause.  “I stopped my garbage service.”  Huge applause this time!  “And I started smoking!”  Silence.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve found the cure for mother Earth.  And it’s been hiding under pillow cases, and night stands all over America for years.  We’ve got to put Earth out of its misery.  To end the nightmare of the planetary cancer called humanity.  To try to save the Earth, now, would be like trying to save a dying child from an inoperable tumor.  It’s too late to turn back the clock!  We’ve got to use as many gas-guzzling trucks as we can, burn all of our trash, leave our lights on all night, and smoke three packs a day, in order to leave our carbon footprint right upside mother Earth’s head, in a deadly blow to the cranium.”

The last thing I remember, before waking up in the hospital, was a bunch of red faces storming the stage.  Apparently, hippies aren’t as peaceful as I’d once thought.